The Millennial and Her Mother

In my line of work, I have the opportunity to connect with women in a very special way. We discuss aging, our bodies, motherhood, and the challenges of being working mothers. I could not help but to notice a glaringly common theme in our conversations: OUR own mothers. While it is normal and ideal that many of these women are close with their mothers, there is a large number of women who are at extreme odds with their mothers. Some of them no longer speak to each other. While this is understandably a very sad situation, unpacking the contributing factors shows how this could make sense.

Mothers of millennials tend to be of the Baby Boomer. The Baby Boomer generation were born between the end of the second World War and the mid-1960s. The U.S. economy then was relatively prosperous and there was a large number of individuals born in this generation. The definition of gender roles began in youth as girls were encouraged to play with dolls and boys with trucks and tools. As women reached their childbearing years, they did not have as much control of the timing of their fertility the way they do now. Women at that time took longer periods of postpartum leave; it seemed to make sense to delegate them the responsibilities of maintaining and caring for the home. Many Baby Boomers were homemakers who relied on their husband’s economic earning potential to support the family. Not uncommonly, she would have no financial freedom or control of anything outside the household.

Aside from gender roles, these were different times regarding the paucity of resources for women and  differences in societal perspectives from what they are today. For example, people with disabilities were perceived by society as lazy, crazy or stupid; there were no resources available to help. The pressures of caring for children with these disabilities would largely fall on the mother who did not have the support of effective resources. Women then did not have information readily available to them. They could not look up their rights, policies, or similar information online; whatever their husband told them, they believed, good or bad. Furthermore, women empowerment was not what it is today. Talks of sisterhood and helping women was not popular. Psychiatric therapy and mental health were taboo and viewed as for crazy people.

Fast forward to the Millennial generation. Born between the early 1980s to the early 2000s, this generation of women is typically described as well-educated, tech-savvy, and comfortable with social media. They have entered the workforce in large numbers that far surpassed that of the previous generations. These women have longer educational careers that have taken priority, many of who have decided to put their fertility on hold to first achieve professional goals. There is less reliance on male spouses for financial security. By this generation, we now see a significant rise in the rates of divorce, remarriage, having children with multiple partners, and same-sex marriages.

At the time this was written, Millennial women are currently in their prime. Whether it be career, family, or personally, they are learning to prioritize themselves, caring for their health and practicing self care. The internet has changed how women shop, take care of the home, and prepare meals for the family. Since they are now expected to have a career and take care of the home full time, having the internet as a resource has been a great resource. Almost anything can be delivered right to their front doors. Trips to Target and the grocery stores are now optional. Bills can be paid online or better yet, with automatic payment options.

The contrast between what the Millennial women and their Baby Boomer mothers have never been louder than it is now. Millennial mothers are juggling full time professionals or running small businesses while still caring for their children and husbands. Some may even be already caring for their aging parents or grandparents. The pressures are real. On the other side, Baby Boomers are entering their retirement years. Those who are not ready for retirement and are in the technology, media or labor industries may feel like they are experiencing ageism, which is a discrimination against older people. Some Baby Boomers may feel overwhelmed and pressured to stay current with the constant advent of popular social media platforms. Baby Boomers who were homemakers do not understand the strange ways of their Millennial daughter. Why is she just ordering take out for the family; it’s so unhealthy! Why is she letting the kids watch so much iPad? She is not seeing how her daughter is just trying to do her best without disappointing anyone; at the same time, her daughter thinks that her mother is being judgmental and condescending.  

Every daughter will tell you that they butt heads and do not see eye to eye with their mother, but it is understandable why so many Baby Boomer-Millennial mother-daughter relationships are so strained. Their worlds where they were raised and wired are completely different due to the women empowerment movement and the advent of the internet and smart devices.  The stressors of the day to day are different, not necessarily better or worse, just extremely different.

Before we delve into possible solutions, let’s examine one more complicating factor that is quite common: cultural differences. The United States is a big melting pot of many ethnicities and backgrounds, so it’s no surprise that many Baby Boomers immigrated to the U.S. from Mexico, South America, Asia, the Middle East, and Eastern Europe. Most would agree that those born in the U.S. tend to be much more assertive and individualistic. Gender equality and women representation are seen more in American culture. In contrast, countries foreign to the U.S. value respect and pride from being part a group. Cultural differences between a foreign-born mother and an Americanized daughter can be challenging in itself. When you layer on the generational differences, it’s amazing that these women can find common ground with each other.

And that is a great segue into how the Millennial woman can navigate their relationships with their mothers. This, of course, is a huge generalization as we are not accounting for the differences in personal history, details in upbringing, presences of any unresolved childhood trauma, personality traits/disorders, environmental/physical differences, etc. So, please accept this purely as an offer to give a perspective. There are 5 things Millennial women can try to strengthen their relationship with their mother:

1. Be willing to make the relationship work well. Yes, mothers will perpetually see their daughters as that little girl, but both parties have to agree to want to have a healthy relationship. Both have to understand that they need to put in some work and put some of that ego aside. Both can be right and wrong at the same time.
2. Consider therapy. When one thinks about therapy, they typically think of self therapy and couples therapy. Family therapy is becoming increasingly more common, especially as individuals are facing their childhood traumas with their loved ones. Having therapy with your mother could be very helpful in breaking cycles and gaining a different perspective than the one you have had for the last three or four decades. As with anything, select a therapist that is a good fit for both of you.
3. Accept. The Millennial mother must understand that her mother may never completely understand her perspective.
4. Have grace. Her mother may not be the best friend that she hopes not because she does not want to, but because she may not be able to. If her mother is at least making efforts and trying to have a good relationship with her daughter, that is a very positive step forward.
5. Empower. Give your mother positive reinforcements. Tell her she is doing a good job. Tell her you’re happy she is in your life. Mothers need to hear that too.

The dilemma of the Millennial and her mother is certainly one that is complex. It will be worth the effort to have the best relationship you can with your mother. One day, we may have similar challenges with our own daughters. Our mothers are doing the best they can and so are we.